Various Artists: Stuff I Traded In

The annoying thing about this review site is that it's based on music I own, so of course I'm going to like most of it. But there are some things that I didn't like, and didn't like enough to keep around at all (even though I've kept a few things, for whatever reason, that I don't necessarily like or listen to). I won't be able to think of everything I once had and traded in, but here are most of them. (Note: If I traded in something by an artist featured elsewhere on this page, that album will appear there instead of here--and in that review, I'll point out that I traded it in. This page is for those artists I don't have anything by anymore.)

Army of Lovers: Massive Luxury Overdose (1992) -- I heard the song "Crucified" on the Alan Havey show and liked it pretty good, but I didn't like the rest of the album when I picked it up, and I ended up getting bored of "Crucified" eventually.

Keith Herrman: Romance Romance (1988) -- Scott Bakula (from Quantum Leap) starred in this musical that was actually two musicals: "The Little Comedy" and "Summer Share." It's not the best musical ever, but I wish I hadn't gotten rid of it. As somewhat-typical musicals go, it featured some okay stuff, especially "Goodbye, Emil" and "Summer Share." Some of the tunes still pop in my head from time to time.

Interpol: Turn on the Bright Lights (2002) -- The mechanical nature of the performances on this album grate on my nerves. The drummer, especially, sounds like a robot programmed by someone with no creativity. I lump Interpol into those mid 00s bands like The Killers, Panic at the Disco, and others I don't know much about other than they have that ultra-slick and mannered visual presentation and kinda boring music for kids who want something slightly more alternative than regular radio.

Llama Farmers: Dead Letter Chorus (1999) -- "Get the Keys and Go" is a really great song that I heard on college radio. That's the first track on this album: the rest is the most typical-sounding rock music you've ever heard.

Frederick Loewe: Camelot--Original Broadway Cast (1960) -- Although there wasn't really any real reason for me to have this, there wasn't much of a reason to sell it back either. Truth is, this is a pretty good musical, featuring Richard Burton, Julie Andrews, and Robert Goulet and songs like "Camelot" and "If Ever Would I Leave You." I suppose for musicals like this, however, that aren't opera but have spoken parts to tell the story, I'd rather just watch a movie version.

London Pro Musica: An Evening at the Medici's--Festival Music of Florence (1990) -- I bought this at a dollar store once when I had a brief interest in the Medici family. I don't know what I was expecting.

Primitive Radio Gods: Rocket (1996) -- I really liked the song and video for "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand" when it came out, so I got the album. The rest of the album sounded nothing like the single, more like a shitty garage rock band, some old dude recording bad songs with his buddies or something worse. I took it back to the CD store and when they asked why I was returning it, I said, "It wasn't what I wanted it to be." The guy gave me a confused look, but took it. This was back before the Nazi days of "you open it, you'll never get to return it in a million years for any reason, ever."

Fred Schneider: Fred Schneider and the Shake Society (1991) -- A couple of years after The B-52's best album, Cosmic Thing, Fred released a solo album that was pretty much another bland album from the early 90s. It was nice and goofy, but not in the way that worked like in The B-52's, though I do remember liking the line from "Summer In Hell" when someone asks Fred, "What are you doing here [in hell]?" and Fred says, "Well, where did you think I'd be?" (See The B-52's.)

Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet: Savvy Show Stoppers (1990) -- I wish I hadn't gotten rid of this one. I picked it up because I was (and am) a fan of The Kids in the Hall and liked the theme song "Having an Average Weekend," though here the recording is an inferior version to the one featured on the TV show. The rest of the album is just surf music that I would seldom listen to, but it's kind of interesting and worth having in case you ever need anything like this for a project. Oh well. If I see it super-cheap one day, I'll pick it up again, but I won't be too sad if I never do.

Shat: The Best of Shat (2002) -- I found this album under All Music's "similar artist" listing for The Frogs. But the only thing similar about those two bands are funny titles, which is what got me to get this record. Some of those titles are "I Threw Up On Her Cunt," "Fuck, I Stepped In Shit," "If She Has a Kid You Know She Fucks," "It's About Time You Sucked My Penis," "You Can't Just Shit" (a song about how you also have to pee), "Cunt Flavored Lollipops," and "Grandpa Is Playing with His Penis." There: you just experienced the best thing about the album, some of the track list. Listening to it is a different story. I knew I would hate it with the opening track, "Warning," in which the lead "singer" comes on and says something like, "If you're offended by words like fuck and cunt, don't listen to this," showing that he's soooo pleased with his ten-year-old dirty words. I'm not offended by words like that. I like those words. But I am offended by how bad the album is. The music sounds like the worst kind of heavy metal you can imagine, and the songs are usually between thirty seconds and a minute apiece, just enough time to get the title out and move on to the next uninspired idea. There are 65 tracks altogether. I passed this on to a friend of mine who also hated it so he passed it on to a friend of his who threw it in the trash. When the friend said, "Don't you at least want to keep the blank case and just throw the CD and art away?" the other friend said, "It's already been tainted." If you were to ask me what the worst album ever made was, it would be this one.

Smattering: Sissy Bar (1996) -- I bought this thinking it was an album by the group Sissy Bar. I didn't know it was the name of the album. (I thought the name of the album was Smattering.) I didn't really like anything about it, so I obviously traded it back in.

Lucy Simon: The Secret Garden--1991 Original Broadway Cast (1991) -- Not a great musical, but I wish I still had this for sentimental reasons or to be able to make jokes about it.

Sonic Youth: Experimental Jet Set, Trash and No Star (1994) -- I kind of regret trading this one in, or at least I regret having my first album by them to be this, which probably isn't that representational. I still don't know if I like Sonic Youth or not (I liked them when I saw them live), but I found this album to be kind of boring, even though I'm still a fan of "Bull in the Heather." One day, maybe, I'll try to rediscover Sonic Youth.

Various Artists: Tank Girl Soundtrack (1995) -- I think someone gave me this. Today, this is the kind of thing I'd just hang on to as a relic of mid-90s music: good, bad, and weird. Standout songs here include Stomp's "Ripper Sole," Bjork's "Army of Me," and especially Portishead's "Roads." (This was the collection that introduced me to Portishead.) Other artists include Devo and Belly.