i

All songs written by Stephin Merritt.

I Die

I die when you walk by, so beautiful and strong, each day you pass my way in your bubble where nothing goes wrong. You think your youth a permanent truth, but here is a tear for your eye: having forgotten how to cry, I die.

I Don't Believe You

So you quote love unquote me; well, stranger things have come to be, but let's agree to disagree, 'cause I don't believe you. You tell me I'm not not cute. It's truth or falsity is moot, cause honesty's not your strong suit and I don't believe you. You tell me of what once was and all about Buck, Butch, and Buzz, how they were not like me because... But I don't believe you. I had a dream and you were in it. The blue of your eyes was infinite. You seemed to be in love with me, which isn't very realistic. You may sing me "They Were You," and I start crying halfway through, but nothing else you say is true, so I don't believe you. You may set your charm on stun and say I'm delightful and fun, but you say that to everyone. Well, I don't believe you. So you're brilliant, gorgeous, and ampersand after ampersand. You think I just don't understand, but I don't believe you.

I Don't Really Love You Anymore

True, I'd give you my right arm to keep you safe from harm. And, true, for you I'd move to Ecuador. And I'd keep a little farm, chop wood to keep you warm, but I don't really love you anymore. I don't have to love you now if I don't wish to. I won't see you anyhow if that's an issue. Because I am a gentleman. Think of me as just your fan who remembers every dress you ever wore--just the bad comedian your new boyfriend's better than--cause I don't really love you anymore. There'll be some day when your eyes do not enthrall me. I'll be numb, I realize you'll never call me. Cause I've read your horoscope, and now I've given up all hope, so I don't really love you anymore.

I Looked All Over Town

I wandered in these big blue shoes till we had nothing to lose. Nobody wants you when you're a circus clown. I should know. I looked all over town. I guess folks just don't like my face. They make out like I'm some disgrace. But nothing's gonna change this painted frown. And I know. I looked all over town. Maybe somewhere I could be free, somewhere they won't throw rocks at me, somewhere this crazy hair could be my crown. But all my life, I looked all over town. So, whistling a circus tune, I inflated one more balloon and, as I floated up, I looked straight down, and I looked all over town one last time. I looked all over town.

I Thought You Were My Boyfriend

You told me you loved me. I know where and when. Come sunrise, surprise surprise, the joke's on me again. I know you don't love me. You know I don't care. Keep it hidden better. Did I say the world was fair? I thought I was just the guy for you and it would never end. I thought we were supposed to be like glue. I thought you were my boyfriend. Love or not, I've always got ten guys on whom I can depend, and if you're not mine, one less is nine; get wise. I thought you were my boyfriend. I just hope you're happy stringing me along. While you're stringing, I'm here singing this, my saddest song. I wish I could see you. I wish I could sleep. Should I freak out? Should I seek out someone I could keep? I wanted you tonight. I walked around a lot, wishing you were here to keep me from sleeping with anyone who might want me, or even not. Some guys have a beer and they'll do anything, anything...

I Was Born

I was born--I hate this part, being someone new, being torn, seeing someone who died as you grew. Growing older is killing a child who laughed and smiled at anything, growing colder and less and less wild and learning to sing. I was young, then not so young: scary either way. One more rung down that black ladder every day. One more floor down the elevator--what fun--but the singularly awful one is being born.

I Wish I Had an Evil Twin

I wish I had an evil twin, running round doing people in. I wish I had a very bad and evil twin to do my will, to cull and conquer, cut and kill, just like I would if I weren't good and if I knew where to begin. Down and down he'd go: how low, no one would know. Sometimes the good life wears thin. I wish I had an evil twin. My evil twin would lie and steal, and he would stink of sex appeal. All men would writhe beneath his scythe. He'd send the pretty ones to me and they would think that I was he. I'd hurt them, and I'd go scott-free. I'd get no blame and feel no shame, cause evil's not my cup of tea. Down and down he'd go: how low, I would not need to know. All my life there should have been an evil twin.

If There's Such a Thing as Love

Now the clock is striking one, so we might as well begin it, as there's dancing to be done and our time is not infinite. If there's such a thing as love, I'm in it. So you claim you love me too. Lloyd's of London guarantee it. Gaze into these eyes of blue. You do love me, I decree it. If there's such a thing as love, give me it. When I was two-and-a-half, my mama said to me, "Love is funny; you will laugh till the day you turn three." Like a kitten up a tree needs a fireman to rescue it, so your fireman I will be, and I'll really get into it. If there's such a thing as love, let's do it. I thought I'd known love before. That was not it, but I thought it. So I thought I'd win the war, or I never would have fought it. If there's such a thing as love, I've caught it.

I'm Tongue-Tied

I'm tongue-tied and useless. I'm weak-kneed and brainless, and then I mumble some jumble, you kiss me, I'm hist'ry. I'm tongue-tied and useless again. My heart pounds, I make sounds, my ears hum. My head pops, a shoe drops, I'm struck dumb... You say things, the room swings, I feel faint. I've no doubt I'll black out, grand love ain't... I don't die, I say "Hi," how clever; I turn blue, I love you forever.

In an Operetta

Sing me the kind of song you hear in an operetta. Sing me the words I long to hear out of Violetta in an operetta. She will fast be outcast from her castle, with nary a friend. But, since she's a princess, there's hints of a prince in the end. She'll enjoy some employ as a boy with her named changed to Pip. Soon, by gum, she'll become the brave captain of some pirate ship. Singing a thing fit for a king in an operetta. It's the all-singing, all-dancing Princess Violetta of the operetta, in an operetta within an operetta.

Infinitely Late at Night

It was infinitely late at night. The stars were all out there, but they're all out of light. Don't worry about me, I'll be all right, it's just infinitely late at night. It's still getting later and later and later. I feel like I'm in a falling elevator. I'd kill for a drink, but I can't find the waiter. I really believe he's gone home. Oh god, I wish I could go home, but it's infinitely late at night. Is this a blackout or am I losing my sight? It should have been noon now, the sun should be bright, but it's infinitely... The hour on the bar clock, it isn't finite, it's all black and white without the white. It's just infinitely late at night.

Irma

Irma waits by the window, vaguely looking down at her socks and humming. Possibly her father will come home with a box of chocolates, possibly not. Father's memory was never what it once was; shouldn't really drive anymore, either. As if in answer, with a sound like blowing up your ears, Father's jeep crashes through Irma's wall. She says bad words as several hundred boxes of her favorite kind of chocolates fill her bedroom, but she doesn't actually mind.

Is This What They Used To Call Love?

Feels like December, but it's May. I've gone as pale as Doris Day. The blue sky's torn asunder by clouds that warn of thunder. Is this what they used to call love? Your face surrounds me everywhere, like a kaleidoscope's nightmare. This outing of emotion, as boring as an ocean. Is this what they used to call love? Well, it mustn't be the chickenpox: I've never met a chicken. But whenever I get near you, dear, my heart starts to sicken. In the ninth circle of this hell, my heart is burning and unwell. What demons lie within it? I'll die in one more minute. Is this what they used to call love?

It's Only Time

Why would I stop loving you a hundred years from now? It's only time. What could stop this beating heart once it's made a vow? It's only time. If rain won't change your mind, let it fall. The rain won't change my heart at all. Lock this chain around my hand. Throw away the key. It's only time. Years falling like grains of sand mean nothing to me. It's only time. If snow won't change your mind, let it fall. The snow won't change my heart, not at all. I'll walk your lands and swim your seas. Marry me, and in your hands I will be free. Marry me. Why would I stop loving you a hundred years from now?